When Life Gets in the Way: Recovering the Stories That Move Me Forwards

It’s been a while since I’ve posted in this space.

I can’t point to any tragic reason or immediate reason that can explain why. Simply to say, it’s been a season, and if such matters (personal struggle) will always remain contextually relevant in comparison (there is always suffering that will categorize as greater), it is nevertheless real and true to my experience of it.

Life can be difficult. Sometimes near impossible

I created this space in such a season (experiencing severe anxiety and depression when I turned 40) to help me navigate that terrain. As 50 now continues its relentless onset with ever increasing speed (a year and a half away come the new year), I feel the surrealnes settling in. I do not have langauge for this. And yet it sits there shadowing the wealth of anxieties riddling what has been a tough 2024.

I have this new year’s resolution exercise called Rosebud. One of its practices is locating a single word that I want to define the year ahead. My word for 2024 was intent. The broader vision- be intentional about things big and small.

I’ll be honest. I made some movement on the big things, but my neglect of the small things have created a fresh set of big things, all of which now feel expressly out of my control. And I don’t do well in these seasons.

So, what’s ahead? I suppose I want to begin with reclaiming this space. Just with a little necessary reinvention for myself. After all, holding public visibility remains more a mode of accountability than expectation. The space exists so that I can get things in my head onto a page where hopefully it can gain some level of objectivity, with the emphasis being on the stories, be it events, persons, film, books, anything that has informed my world. To this end, I feel the need to let go of the unspoken expectation for this to exist as an extention of my reading and watching logs. Less posts, more intentionally when it comes to ongoing reflection. I’m hoping this can help me reclaim some of what this past year has stolen.

I also want to continue to pressure myself to keep going at writing my own story, the story of my life. I recently purchased a couple guide books to help ignite that flame once again.

We will see how this goes. As the wonderful animated film, Memoirs of a Snail, so wonderfully reminded us, life must be understood backwards, but it can only be lived forwards. A familiar refrain that never loses its power.